Ache

[wayward_explorer]

A tension in my arms

A pressure in my head

A sense that I'm not doing enough

A sense that I'm not interesting enough

Never talking, rarely sharing

Never entertaining, not setting a space

Words escaping me

Providing so little value

Not a hi, no clever opening line, no jokes

An awkward face, no eye contact

Too big, too imposing, no personality to match, little expression

Everything that I love is bound up in my head

My inner world has so much, but it can never be let out

The losses come as no surprise

I couldn't water the plants well, many never grew

But somehow, some managed to survive anyways

It softly aches to know that maybe there's still possibility despite who I am

Or maybe I just wish I could say thank you

Maybe it'll fade like the rest, but for what I have right now, I'm glad

Comments

[emeraldflame]

Wow to access the inner world requires significant cooperation among parts yea???

[wayward_explorer]

It's odd for me but yeah I need to basically not get in my own way. If I'm stimulating myself with doomscrolling etc or if I'm being talked to I can't do it. I need solitude, preferably music, and to be free to dream a bit. Moods turn into daydreaming, daydreaming starts to connect me to idealized situations and selves, creativity flows and my imagination starts to take me away. I imagine myself as others, plotlines for stories appear. All this is difficult around others, it's like trying to tune a radio signal with too much interference.

[emeraldflame]

well I mean double dissociation with source is definitely a thing o-o Or atleast that's my experience ... (:

[wayward_explorer]

That may be how you start to tap into it on your side, and I think has to do particularly to your brand of dissociation and finding your safety in it to express, particularly through your fictotypes. I had to do some self analysis with this because I haven't dwelled on this much (and I should have, thank you <3) but I seem to have two modes ongoing:

- A creative mode, where my mind is cozy and feels like playing and/or creating. Sort of what I mentioned above, and also where a lot of these writings I do flow out of. I'm interested in how otherkin ties into this; sometimes I will become heavily engrossed into a character concept where I start to take on her emotions and thoughts, almost like method acting. Back when I was addicted to roleplaying in my 20's I was in a near constant flow because it was the only thing bringing me self-connection and joy at the time and it would just consume my thoughts constantly. I need to gauge still if this is actually compartmentalized or if I'm really becoming this character at that moment? Or maybe there isn't really a distinction there? More homework for me
- A protective mode. I mentioned before about difficulty with tuning into a signal because of too much noise, This is when instead my signals start to get turned down in volume to protect me, to where I can't get the signal at all or barely. Dissociation happens here for me, especially depersonalization, I stop perceiving my own existence and I can end up in a harmful flow of "just get through it and get it done because I'm having a bad time and we need to endure to survive."

Sometimes these can coincide for me, especially if I'm coming from a bad situation like work and am still protective but I'm safe enough to let creativity flow a little, but I find they're distinct for me.

[emeraldflame]

Sounds like it's either fictionkin or archatropy. The dissociation is likely running up on disorder department if it's still sticking around outside of stressful situations ... (: Says the one who gets outer body experiences from source engagement of course !! I just let it run it's course mostly at that point