I want to play beautiful music but I don't want to practice

I want to learn languages but I don't want to study

I want to adore nature but I don't want to go outside

I want to be friends with people IRL but I don't want to reach out to them

I want to conserve energy but I don't want to get off the computer

I want to be healthy and fit but I don't want to exercise

I want to get my neurodivergence diagnosed but I don't want to lock in and actually organize that

I want my space in the house to flourish but I don't want to put in the effort to organize it

I want to change my dietary habits but I don't want to navigate how to improve them and balance that with family needs

I want things to change but I don't want to make the effort

And I hate that

Why can't I just push through it?

Why is this so hard?

The golden light between the trees began to dwindle as blue, inky hues overtook the forest glade. Cicadas resounded through the forest, and frogs began to sing their evening song as well.

A tiny creature, winged, seemed to peer inside a tree trunk from its ledge, looking around briefly, eyes widened as she took in as much surroundings as she could in the short time she had. Satisfied enough, she decided to hop inside, proceeding to then jump up a little, grabbing a leaf above her.

The effort was a struggle. The leaf proved quite resilient, as she lost grip on it twice, before finally getting out a knife, maybe no bigger than a grain of rice, and proceeded to cut. The plant matter gave way easily, and before long the leaf dropped with her, covering the top of the log hole.

Realizing her success, she exhaled, proceeding to try to get comfy within the decayed plant as the night settled in, a musty smell wafting in her nostrils. Her arms and legs tucked in instinctively, as she stared blankly ahead. So many thoughts ran through her mind... so many creatures could cause her harm here in her quite vulnerable state. A termite, a spider, even a nasty rainfall could prove hazardous or even deadly. A sense of dread washed over her while she lay there, attempting to self soothe...

...and as she came to, her bleary eyes adjusting to the glowing green leaf above her, she slowly began to push herself up, nudging the leaf away. A droplet of dew rolled off of it, but beyond that, she found her abode undisturbed.

As she attempted to stand up, her eyes proceeded to notice the light filtering through the canopy again, a baby blue hue greeting her, congratulating her on her successful night's survival.

Seeing the quiet, solemn peace of the morning forest, she decided to lean against the ledge again, just for a little while, grateful for another day.

The sound of waves again. Seagulls, a breeze. Some boat rigging off in the distance clanking rhythmically.

Puffy clouds sitting on the horizon. Warm, but not hot. A small island off in the distance, a sandy shore to my back.

Salty ocean. Its unique smell. The water is cool.

The slapping sound of the inflatable ring I'm hanging onto casually as it bounces with the wave movement. Slick vinyl surface, warmed by the sun.

My hair is soaked and flattened, only slightly rippled with its usual curvature. My body is partly underwater. I feel tossed around by the waves. My bathing suit is holding water on my back. My wings are wet, and I don't want to move them too much because it's hard to push through the water with them.

I didn't swim here. I don't know how I got here. It's not the first time this has happened. It's actually happened so many times before.

It's comforting though. Cozy and casual, no pressure, no sense of time. But maybe the fact that I keep coming back is itself mildly unsettling.

...only mildly. Clinging onto the inflatable and just drifting in this water feels lovely. A silly game of trying to stay atop this toy when I could just swim or even fly away. Nobody to care.

The waves throw me around. I think I like being thrown around, insignificant in its pattern. I don't have to fight it like I fight everything else. I don't have to be in control here, as long as I'm not straying out to sea.

I wish this wasn't just in my head.

Her body floated on the pond. Not dead, in fact nothing physically wrong with her at all... just floating on the water, blinking occasionally, lost in her head.

"...I don't exist," she mumbled to herself, staring blankly toward the tree canopy overhead.

With nobody around, silence reigned for roughly a minute more, the woman caressed by her own melancholy mood, until a mosquito buzzed in front of her face, prompting her to flail madly to get it away, making a gigantic splash and fuss in the pond that was audible for the surrounding 500 feet.

A tension in my arms

A pressure in my head

A sense that I'm not doing enough

A sense that I'm not interesting enough

Never talking, rarely sharing

Never entertaining, not setting a space

Words escaping me

Providing so little value

Not a hi, no clever opening line, no jokes

An awkward face, no eye contact

Too big, too imposing, no personality to match, little expression

Everything that I love is bound up in my head

My inner world has so much, but it can never be let out

The losses come as no surprise

I couldn't water the plants well, many never grew

But somehow, some managed to survive anyways

It softly aches to know that maybe there's still possibility despite who I am

Or maybe I just wish I could say thank you

Maybe it'll fade like the rest, but for what I have right now, I'm glad

She seemed to regard me kindly. A kind smile, a quiet peace about her. It was oddly comforting, the two of us here, together.

There was a gentle pull toward her. I knew that this was not my decision, but in this moment something did at least feel real. I felt a kindness toward her in return. A desire to be there, to listen to her, to ensure she was okay.

We had bonded. And yet I find myself not knowing who she was. I knew little about this partner.

My mind strays toward my existing spouse. Confusion takes hold of me as I know she was the one to set it up. This became expectation, that I would play this role. I would fulfill what my spouse wanted, becoming this woman's partner, her friend. I must do so. I would be her man. I would be whomever I needed to be so she could be at peace.

...but I'm not a man, except in masking myself. My wife is monogamous and wouldn't do something like that. My partner-to-be never existed. I'm awake now, and so, so very confused.

How many more weird tricks will my brain play on me? Why must it form a world in my brain that betrays everything I know? Why can't it accept who I am, or my reality? Is anything even real?

People talk about their dreams like as if they're the best world. I can only stand in awe and terrified of them. It could send me on a lovely adventure, the woman I wish I could be, the powerful, authentic life I want to live... but it only torments me instead, handing me lives I never asked for, and making me wonder if that's what I really want instead.

(Based on actual dream and thoughts.)

coffee be get I to lot get break I'm I a on I I some should You to I get can't and a This so I to who able have why I but is to move wrong can't can't I of time I done have task is me I like so work should things is need I There's done needed why much How going I me don't up I and I'm to do am with not urgent exhausted can't Something anything I'm need remember do fired be do forgot now My to tired get understand am I not difficult distracted move can't broken right am what feel I feels to stay so ill Why Why should this answer body

Put the smile on

Everything is okay

Nothing to say

It's just another day

Isn't life grand?

We'll just put on the fun

Anything to keep my soul from screaming out of my mouth

And shaking uncontrollably

And arguments and sobbing

And melting

Regretful words, no sleep

Sick again, want to die

Entire body on fire

And the words are gone

Nah

It really is a beautiful day

:)

"Are you fucking kidding me?!"

Her hands were planted on the bathroom counter firmly as she angrily looked into her mirror. Looking at herself. Looking at her self.

"Why would I be?" the voice said.

"Because you want to hurt me!" she angrily blurted out in response, standing up, flailing her arms upward in frustration. "Like... you actually want me to be in emotional pain over something this trivial!"

"Of course! At least it's better than feeling *nothing at all*, do you even understand what that's like?" the voice asked, beginning to also sound upset.

"I don't care what it's like!" the woman snipped curtly.

"Well you should! Because it's a whole lot of nothing!" the voice responded in a huff. "A whole lot of existing with just the goal to shut up and pass the time. I don't think you get how downright uncomfortable that gets!"

The woman raised an eyebrow in her annoyance, gesturing outward, "So what?! You want to tank our mental health just so you can feel comfortable?!"

"Oh my god... GIRL, YOU'RE LIKE FIVE STEPS AWAY FROM IT, YOU DUNCE!" the voice insulted, growing louder and angry. "THAT IS the mental illness! You don't even feel!"

"I don't feel because it hurts, okay!" the woman stated, gesturing to herself, hand to her chest.

"YEAH, it hurts! But at least it's REAL!" the voice powerfully boomed. "At least we're feeling SOMETHING!"

The woman's hand slowly dropped, as she turned to the side in a huff, her expression turning away from the heat of anger into a growing upset, a growing sadness. The voice continued on. "We don't feel anything! We don't even feel like we exist because all you want to do is hit the fast forward button on your own existence... why can't you just admit that you hate your life and at least, like, cry or something??"

The woman began to sit down on the floor, back to the wall behind her, anger continuing to evaporate, her troubled expression growing... "Don't you want to care?" the voice echoed further. "Don't you want to actually live your life and not keep ignoring everything until you're dead?"

"What good is it even supposed to do?" the woman responded, a bit quieter. "It's not like things will ever be different..." Instinctively, her hands began to wrap around one ofher legs that were bent upward.

The voice fell quiet for a moment, before sighing. "Of course not, but wouldn't you want to go down that road with your soul intact and something to have experienced? Or do you just want things to be silent until we finish this life and for nothing to happen, not even that pain?"

The woman didn't respond verbally, sitting there motionless outside of some blinks. The voice fell quiet too.

After a moment, the woman tightened the embrace around her leg a little, looking like she wanted to cry. "Goddamnit," she mumbled.

I began to walk through what seemed to be a dark cave. A soft dripping sound echoed through the chamber as I moved through, a flashlight beam casually bobbling among a rocky background, crystals occasionally jutting from the rocks, a pretty purple hue.

Some of the reflections illuminated me in the dark. I seemed to be fully unprepared for the adventure, having ventured in simply with street clothing and sneakers on, my flashlight a cell phone.

My eyes stared around as I took in the setting. "This is pretty..." I mumbled, but slowed down gradually. Eventually I lowered my flashlight, just staring ahead in confusion. There wasn't anything notable ahead, just further tunnel.

But my hand went to my head. "...Is this real?" I asked out loud, before patting my head. "...how did I get here?"

I looked back from the path I walked, not seeing an entrance. I started to walk back down that path, but the place would seem to just carry on. I could see some pathways and patterns I recognized, but before long the recognition stopped. New paths. New patterns.

Realizing I was getting tired, I decided to sit down, leaning up against a wall for support. No comfort, just rocky, cold surface. ... I sat there for a while, my head too full to even fathom what to do.

"I'm confused. And now I'm trapped."

I looked up, seeing someone off a few yards away, seated similarly to me. Adjusting my glasses and looking again... she looked like me. She seemed to be exactly like me. Was she me?

Either way, a pang of sympathy began to hit. "You too?" I asked aloud, as she looked up and we looked at each other for a moment, me smiling and giving a friendly wave to her, her briefly returning the wave. I think for a second. "Hey I think we might be... us, like duplicated, could we check some of our knowledge so we know for sure?"

"S-sure, I guess," the other one said.

Some questions and answers later and some closer examination, and before long we were both convinced we were the same person. We decided to pick a numbering scheme for ourselves, I ended up as Two, she as One. The same conundrum afflicted us both: we were both exploring what seemed to be this pretty cave when we both realized we were lost in it...

We began to compare notes but ultimately it wasn't much use. The same landmarks, same pathways were recorded in both our heads. Neither of our phones had service within the rock. We had the same things in our pockets, a wallet, a small granola bar.

"But... wait, I don't remember the granola bar," One began to say, perplexed.

"We didn't have this all along?" I leaned on the wall, ruffling my hair, looking at it. An oat and chocolate chip bar, an ordinary brand. A puzzled expression again, so many of them today... "Wait, yeah, I don't recall bringing this, I thought I just rushed into here on a whim..."

"No, yeah we didn't," One mentioned, shifting her position and adjusting a messenger bag to her other shoulder, before looking at it. "Uhhhh...???"

"Open it!" I urge, as we suddenly go through its contents: a laptop, a fidget cube, a handheld game, a thin sweater. Smiles and laughs crossed our face.

"Alright this must be a dream..." One mentioned to me, looking up from the bag. "We definitely didn't have our bag."

"Nope," I mention, looking aside in thought. "Did you maybe wish that into existence or something? We need to figure out how things keep shifting..."

"That might be it," One mentioned, starting to munch on the granola bar. "I had a thought, like 'man it would be nice if I had my bag."

"Something to eat," I blinked.

"Someone with me," she mumbled, aghast, looking toward me. And then grinning silly. "How can we exploit this??"

I raised a finger with a knowing smile and before I knew it, we both tumbled onto my bed at home, but with noises of our spouse and child off in the other part of the home, One raised a "wait a sec" finger and suddenly we were on the local beach. Sunny, breezy, mid 60's fahrenheit.

"Oh my god this is so wild..." I say, hands covering my mouth. "Do you think we're still dreaming?"

"Probably!" One said, deciding to lay back on the sand, kicking off shoes. "But we may as well make a good time out of it."

"I guess so," I say, giving in and turning on my side in the sand, watching a seagull coast by in the air. "...this is nice."